Hi boy, Here I am again, looking into an imaginary mirror on the very last day of 2023.
A lot of things have happened this year. Too much. I have been struggling to untangle mishmashes in my mind. A lot of good things and bad things, but one thing that I feel while I’m writing this down: I really hate myself, and I really hate what I have become now. I have changed a lot, and not in a good direction.
A few days back, I opened up my old photos and read my old writings, and I realized that I have become a different person. I feel like I wouldn’t recognize myself years ago if I saw the younger version of me in person. Of course, a lot of things have changed for the better, especially this year. I have ended my bittersweet ‘devotion’ with LBH Jakarta after 7 years, life-changing experiences that I would never forget for the rest of my life. I got accepted to work at Greenpeace Indonesia, realizing a childhood dream to work in this organization, even if it was only for 6 months. Then, I got accepted as a Chevening scholar at Essex University, which made me live in Colchester for the last 3 months of this year. But (always a ‘but’), despite all of those, so-called, achievements, I have been reflecting on my self-changing to a worse person. I have become not as cheerful, outspoken, and easygoing as I used to be, even if it was only several years ago.
The thing is, I haven’t been a nice person to all the people that I care. I don’t know when it started, but I have become a very insecure person this year. Thoughts like “I’m not good enough,” “no one cares what you say,” “you’re not important” always come and stay on the ceiling of my head. They kept whispering to me until I believed them, and I started not believing in myself. It has consumed me until I become dregs.
At the later stages, I keep projecting my insecurities onto others, friends, family, and especially all the people who I really care about. I’ve always run away from situations that make me uncomfortable or that have the possibility to let me down, according to my insecure thoughts. Hence, I think I’ve treated people badly by not replying to their messages (even for months), by rejecting their offers to hang out, by not keeping my promises, and all the bad things that have made them seem not important to me.
The result? I think I have lost a lot of my friends, who I truly care about, but I couldn’t manage to treat them as well as they deserve. I know you might say that I’m supposed to love and respect myself no matter the bad things that I have done. Respect yourself before anyone else, so people can respect you. But, then again, it’s way harder to realize those beautiful motivational words.
Hence, with all the circumstances that I’ve had, I just have a simple resolution for the next 365 days of my life. However hard it is, try to keep believing that you matter to people, and try to treat people better, keep promises, and don’t run away from difficult situations (read: situations that require you to mingle and make new friends).
Good luck, boy. I believe in you.
P.S. Remember, play this playlist to reminisce your bright times
Colchester — 2023
CO28GY
